Next Heiji's Hint: Poptarts!
by ikasamelindora
Summary: Crack!fic. Heiji dreams...of poptarts? And a lover's spat? Over said poptarts? Well, I told you it was a crack!fic. Strangeness inside!


Disclaimer: I do not own Shinichi Kudo, Ran, Hattori Heiji, Kogoro, Kazuha, or anything to do with Detective Conan! I don't own Detective Conan at all!

Dang.

**A/N: Yes, it's OOC. But it's a crackfic, so I actually don't care. It's SUPPOSED to be. Randomness ensues below!**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Shinichi Kudo whipped his hand out to the seat next to him, his focus still on the rolling fields outside the train.

"Ran. Poptart." And then, his view was suddenly interrupted by stars.

What did he expect to see, having just been hit by a karate master directly over the head? Bananas with top hats?

"Shinichi. 'Please.'" The boy turned slowly, his eyes coming to meet his companion's. They were flat. Sarcastic. Mildly annoyed.

"They're _my_ poptarts. _I_ paid for them. Therefore, it may be deduced that I don't have to beg for them. Now. Poptart me." Ran sighed.

"Yes, yes, Mr. Possessive. They're your poptarts. You wrote your name on the box when you paid them, no doubt in preparation for this argument. Dork. I'm not giving you your poptarts because you didn't say 'please.' Deduce that."

"I don't _have_ to say please. They're _my_ poptarts."

"I know. I know they're your poptarts. I just said I knew they were your poptarts. _They are your poptarts._ What, is that how a _man_ asks for his thin pastry breakfast? He _demands_ the womanfolk toss him the silvery package, as he can't hunt for himself? Alright. But. It is _me_ you're asking to get a poptart. You're asking for my effort to get the poptarts. So. Say 'please.'"

"What kind of lazy butt are you? 'Effort'? To reach into you bag and hand me a freaking _poptart?_ That's _effort_ to you?"

"Yes. Not a big effort, mind you. But you're asking something of me. Now. Try it with 'please.'"

"No."

"Yes."

_"No."_

_"Yes."_

Shinichi sighed.

"Fine. Ran, will you _please_ give me poptart?"

"No."

"Oi, oi! I said please! What more are you asking for, my left kidney? Kaitou KID's head on a platter? I gave you your please, now give me my freaking poptart!"

"I can't."

_Silence._

"Alright, Ran. I get it. You're still mad, aren't you? You're mad I took the last of the orange juice, aren't you. I'm sorry. But I got the juice, you got the poptarts. We're lacking what the other got.

…

That's it, isn't it. You want me to get you some juice in exchange for the poptart. Well, alright. I'll get you your juice. Wait. Here."

The sound of jean separating from faux leather. The rustle of shoes on commercial-grade carpet. The clink of coins, then, a thump. Lather, rinse and repeat the first two steps, but switch them.

Shinichi had his juice.

"Here. Is. Your. Juice. Now. Poptart, _PLEASE?_"

"Thank you for the juice! I told you, though. I can't give you a poptart."

"WHY EVER NOT!?"

"Hattori ate the whole box."

Hattori Heiji, his mouth spilling crumbs, sat across from the two secret lovers. The box of poptarts was in his lap. He froze with the pastries in his hand.

Shinichi lunged for them like a ravenous animal.

"AGH!" A dark-skinned young boy sat up in the night, an army of sweat droplets filing down his neck and face. His heart raced; his eyes flipped wildly around the room to his sleeping long-time friend Kazuha soundly asleep beside him to the detective and his daughter and _Kudo_.

_Kudo was here?_ Ah, but it was the tiny one. Surely, he couldn't have killed Heiji. How did he…

_Ahhh,_ Heiji thought, smacking himself mentally. _It was a dream. And…a really strange one at this._ _Remind me never to eat poptarts in front of those two star-crossed lovers._ Hattori covered his mouth to stifle a laugh.

_As sad as it is, Kudo, I can just imagine you and your 'girlfriend' arguing over something so stupidly trivial. I'm glad I don't love a violent girl like you do. Or, erm, any girl._ Hattori couldn't help himself but let his glance shift to Kazuha beside him.

_She's so peaceful at night,_ he thought, his cheeks tinged pink. Her soft lips…her shining hair…her big bright eyes.

_Wait a minute…_

"HEIJI! DON'T STARE AT ME WHILE I'M ASLEEP!

Edogawa Conan awoke in the midst of the night to a screech. What he saw after the screech was one of the only things he'd really _like_ to be woken up in the middle of the night by- Hattori Heiji getting the living snot beat out of him by his girlfriend. He turned over on his bed.

_And you said_ Ran _was violent._

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Reviews are love, and love is good! So review. Don't hate; appreciate!

Meaning, flames will be laughed at. Because, really. Who flames other people's work?

Losers, that's who.

Losers.

3


End file.
